Whatever you do, always give 100%.
Unless you’re donating blood

“Pastor, my dog is dead. Could there be a service for the poor creature?” Pastor replied, “No, we cannot have service for an animal in the church. But there is a new church down the road. Maybe they will do something for the animal”.The man answered” “Pastor, but do you think they will accept a donation of $250,000 in return for the burial service?” Pastor exclaimed, “Sweet Jesus! Why didn’t u tell me that dog was a Christian.”

MY DIETING TIPs.
1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight.
2. Cut them out of your life.
3. Enjoy having lost hundreds of pounds of idiots.

Jack goes to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. The desk sergeant says “You’ll get your chance in court”.Man says “No, No, No, I just want to know how he got into the house without waking up my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years !”

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?” “Okay,” I said.She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa… naked.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.”

The man says: “You go up there and tell him off.
Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, “If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar £100. Do you want to have a go?”
The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, “Nah, the steaks are too high!”

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he’s 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

He replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

The teacher said to his class one day, “Please stand up, anyone who thinks they’re stupid.”
Nobody stood up so the teacher said, “I’m sure there are some stupid students in this class!”

At this point Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, “Oh Johnny! So you think you’re stupid then?”

Little Johnny replied, “No, I just felt bad that you were standing up on your own