Jack gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the wife He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!” Jack slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. “You rotten b.stard,” says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around naked, scaring the kids!”

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady’s house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche. “Wow!” the man said. “Can I take it for a test drive?” Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady’s house. “Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?”
“My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money.”

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.”
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. “You talk?” he asks. “Sure do,” the dog replies.

“Sooo, what’s your story?”

The dog looks up and says, “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.”

“The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.” The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, “Ten dollars.” The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Cause he’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff!!”

Walking down the street, a man hears a voice: “Stop! If you take one more step, a rock will fall down and kill you.” The man stopped; a big rock fell in front of him. The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk. The voice shouted, “Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die.” The man stood still; a car came speeding around the corner, barely missing him. “Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?” “I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered. “Oh yeah?” the man asked. “Where the hell were you when I got married last week?

A farmer drove to a neighbours farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. “Is your dad or your mum home?” said the farmer. “No, they went to town.” “How about your brother, Jack? Is he here?” “No, he went with Mum and Dad.” The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. “ I can give dad a message.” said the boy. “Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother, Jack, getting my daughter Susie pregnant”. The boy thought for a moment“ You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don’t know how much he charges for Jack.”

An older retired guy and a young kid entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, the young guy stole 3 chocolate bars. As they left the store, the young man said to the older one, “Man I’m the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me. You can’t beat that.” The elder man replied: “You want to see something better? Let’s go back to the shop and I’ll show you real stealing.” So they went to the counter and the older man said to the shopkeeper,”Do you want to see magic?”
The shopkeeper replied, “Yes.”
The senior said, “Give me one chocolate bar.”
The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it.
Then the senior asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too.
The shopkeeper asked: “But where’s the magic?”
The older guy replied: “Check in my friend’s pocket, and you’ll find all three bars of chocolate.”

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly.

Lorraine dies suddenly. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings,
“I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.” “What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal” “I know all that.” “Then why did you invite a friend for dinner?” “Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”

TYPES OF PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK:

1) The “Rooster” – Feels that it is their job to tell Facebook “Good Morning” every day !! 😛

2) The “Lurker” – Never posts or comments on your post, but reads everything, and might make reference to your status if they see you in public.

3) The “Hyena” – Doesn’t ever really say anything, just LOLs and
LMAOs at everything.

4) “Mr/Ms Popular” – Has 4,367 friends for NO reason

5) The “Gamer” – Plays Words With Friends, Mafia Wars, Bakes
virtual cakes and stuff, etc., ALL DAY.)

6) The “Cynic” – Hates their life, and everything in it, as evidenced by the somber tone in ALL of their status updates.

7) The “Collector” – Never posts anything either, but joins every
group and becomes fans of the most random stuff.

8) The “Promoter” – Always sends event invitations to things that you ultimately delete or ignore.

9) The “Liker” – Never actually says anything, but always clicks the “like” button

10) “Drama Queen/ King” – This person always posts stuff like “I
can’t believe this!”, or “They gonna make me snap today!”, in
the hopes that you will ask what happened, or what’s wrong but
then they never finish telling the story.

11) The “News” – Always updates you on what they are doing and who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary, and Lastly

12) The “Thief” – Steals status updates… and will probably steal
this one :

“Your driving is bloody terrible,” My husband said to me…”Oh come on!” I said “Its not that bad”. But he just shook his head, took a deep breath, got out of the car…And swam to the surface.