I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.

“Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked.

“Yes,” I said. “They hurt my 
feelings.”

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having 
a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine.

“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.

“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in 
our wall.”

Client: Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence.

Me: You mean … the period?

Client: I don’t care what you designers call it; it is unsightly. Delete it.

A woman goes to Spain to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”
The husband laughs and says: “A Spanish girl!”
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
“So, honey, how was the trip?”
“Very good, thank you.”
“And, what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” She asked.
“The one I asked for – a Spanish girl!!”
“Oh, that,” she said “Well, I did what I could; now we’ll have to wait for a few months to see if it is a boy or a girl!”

The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back.
“Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?”
“Not a bit,” the husband replied. “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!”

A couple of young children are at day care one day when one of the little girls approaches Tommy and says, “Hey, Tommy, wanna play house?”

“Sure! What do you want me to do?” he asks.

The little girl replies, “I want you to communicate your feelings.”

“Communicate my feelings?” questions a bewildered Tommy. “I have no idea what that means…”

The little girl smirks and says, “Perfect. You can be the husband.”

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, triple-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.
Helloooo,……….. just because I’m a Senior Citizen doesn’t mean that I am automatically mentally challenged.
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year–that these windows would pay for themselves in a year—
Hellooooo? It’s been a year, so they’re paid for, I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

I just finished three books today.
Believe it or not, but that’s a lot of coloring